Monday, June 29, 2009

Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen Of The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

Like so, this one robot, is all like "Yeagghhh" and then another robot was all "nooo yeahhghhghghh" and then the other robot was like "geegaahahh" and then transformed into a big ass thing. And shit blew up, and helicopters were like whoooshhhhh, and tanks were all like "pow pow pow", and lasers were going "pew pew pew" and Megan Fox's breasts were like "Booyahhh" and Shia LeBeouf's hand was all like "Owww!", and Michael Bay's all "Look at all my Army stuff!", and Tyrese was like "Damn!"

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Pancreas Tree!

During college I had a stellar Freshman, and Sophomore year of awesome grades, and kick ass scholastic motivation. Thinking that I had this "College Thing" figured out, I started slacking. A lot. My grades plummeted, and my motivation to do anything school related went out the window. All I did was goof off and ride my bike all day.

Recently, during a trip back home to my parent's house, I found an old paper I had to write for a Biology class. I don't remember much about the class, except that it started really early in the morning. The topic of the essay was Insulin, and I assume it had to meet a two page requirement, otherwise I would have just ended it after the first paragraph.

While reading the paper you can tell that I totally copied text from a science book, but I don't even think I copied the book properly, because nothing makes sense. Then the rest of the paper, is just some random bullshit, where I don't even try to come up with a clever way around my ignorance of the subject matter. It's just terrible all the way through. You can read the paper below. If you can make it past the first paragraph, you get a gold star. (If the text is too small you can zoom in. Fancy!)

Read this doc on Scribd: panda paper

I can haz a college degree now?

They're Taking Away My Fucking Parking Spaces!

Screw you crazy Polygamist group!


Fuck you Crazy Eyebrowed Austrian Daughter Sexing Guy!


All your messed up kids are going to be driving cars, which will then take away more possible parking spaces for me!


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Tom Cruise? Crazy?

Really this is crazy? Tom Cruise speaking about Scientology?

Like...crazier than this?

Replace the word Scientology, with Christianity; Scientologists, with Christians, and it's the same old bullshit. I don't understand why this video of Tom Cruise is crazy to people.

Is everyone in a huff about this video because Scientology isn't one of the "cool" religions? Is it because Scientology is the nerdy sci-fi geek in the corner of the quad, and other religions like Christianity bask in the warm glow of popularity?

Or is it Tom Cruise? Is the public still condemning him for his couch jumping antics?

Is it all the "Thetans" coursing through his body? Or are we are afraid of his boisterous declaration of love?

Why are we not afraid of this creepy kid?

Or this guy, condemning breast examinations

Or the woman that thanks god for dead soldiers

I don't know. Am I ignorant? Maybe. I don't know anything about religion, which one's the cool one, which one's the dumb one. I don't know. I'm godless, and soul less. I've only been to a church maybe five times in my life, and it gave me a rash everytime.

Why is Scientology so hated?

Oh, I know what it is.

Battlefield Earth.


Friday, December 21, 2007

Hot Carl Coffee

So I'm in line at the coffee shop, the one that's frequented by everyone here at work; using my phone to look up the definition of "Hot Carl" on the internet.
A quick search on Urban Dictionary describes it as:

"The act of taking a shit on someone's face with Saran wrap over their face as to make you and/or your partner sexually aroused."

hahaha. People come up with some zany stuff. The "Hot Carl" is pretty gross on two parts. 1. Shit smells bad. 2. Saran wrap tastes bad.

Sure, we all assume shit tastes bad, but I haven't eaten shit so I can't accurately say if it tastes bad. I have eaten saran wrap by accident. A couple times, when excitedly eating a sandwich . That, I can say with confidence, does taste bad.

But, you like eating shit? Do it. I don't care. What I care more about, at this moment is why this line for coffee is taking so long.

"You guys are always checking your emails", I hear someone say. It's the guy behind the counter. "It's like you have Blackberries glued to your hands", he adds.

"I know", I say. "Work finds you wherever you go"

Emails? I don't get emails outside of work. I don't have a work issued Blackberry, thankfully.

I continue reading Urban Dictionary.

"Variations on the Hot Carl Include: 1st: You shit on your partners face.

2nd: You shit on your partners face who is sporting a piece of saran wrap over it.

3rd: You shit on to a glass table while your partner lays down underneath it.

All are varying degrees of hardcoreness!"

Damn, those are hardcore variations.

"I don't know if I'd like my work following me wherever I go", says the guy.

"A Sloppy Carlson occurs when the loaf is hot and runny (diarrhea) and forces a hole through the saran wrap, mmm."

Damn. Sloppy Carlson. That's crazy...yet intruiging..

"Yeah, it's rough sometimes", I say without looking up. "But you know. Work just.."

"A Hot-Carl in understandable terms is when you remove your phallus from your partner's warm rectal orifice and insert it into their mouth, thus giving them the distinct aftertaste of hot wet ass. This is also referred to as Ass to Mouth, Arse to Mouth, A2M, ATM. It is commonly misconcieved that a Hot-Carl involved some sort of rectal expulsion on or near a partners face, this, however, is incorrect."

Hmm..That changes things..Apparently there are two schools of thought regarding the "Hot Carl". This is interesting.

"Um, yeah, the emails. It sucks sometimes, but know. Productivity and all that..", I say as I search online for more answers.

"A Hot-Carl is when you are in a 69 position and you squeeze out a hot, spicy fart. Since the chick's nose is near your butthole, she gets the extra pleasure of whatever you had for dinner that night. Strictly a class move. It is also known as the Alabama Nose Warmer".

hahaha, Alabama Nose Warmer..but that doesn't help. Is a "Hot Carl" where you shit in someone's face or mouth? Or is it farting whilst, 69'ing? Ass to Mouth? Saran Wrap?

What is the definitive answer? I don't know. It's one of those great mysteries of the world. Where is the lost city of Atlantis? What happened to the Mayans? Do Aliens exist? What the fuck is a "Hot Carl"?

"Uh..sir? Your order?", asks the guy.

"Ah sorry, these emails..nonstop", I say. "Large regular coffee"

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Hallo! Please Pass To Steven Seagal

A letter came to us today, from (The?) Ukraine.

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Addressed to "The authors and producers of the feature film 'Half Past Dead'"

Within the letter contained an exciting proposal meant strictly for Steven Seagal. Enclosed in the envelope was another envelope with "Only personally to Steven Seagal" written on it.

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Unfortunately, Steven Seagal is unavailable at the moment, he's off filming a movie where he karate chops suckas in the face for disparaging sacred land.

I do not want to make an "Executive Decision", and render another person's dream as "Marked For Death", so I'll answer the man's proposal as if I were Mr. Seagal.

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"Hallo! Of course I know very good all can be thought about me and this letter, but I'd like to tell you something"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Yes, hallo! I do know very good what you think I think about you, and the letter, and I am excited to hear what you have to tell me"!

"First, some words about our school, it is one of the most ancient. Already, 5000 years ago (and even more) Dragon Clan was on the lands of the present Russia and some others."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket "Dragon Clan huh. From Russia..I know you guys. 5000 years ago, you raped the gypsies and disparaged their land! I've dealt with the likes of you. Have you seen my documentary On Deadly Ground? I saved the Eskimos from Michael Caine. I'm sorry, I'm being rude. Continue."

"It goes from the very sources of dragon history. Or, if to say a little more, it is namely the source of its pure history"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"You lost me..are we talking about real dragons? Your clan controls them? The fire breathing kind? Amazing. You have my attention Ukranian Dragon Man."

"Well, as you can guess, I could tell something about that and other topics."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Me too bub. I know a lot about a lot of shit. Like guitars, and Buddhism, and Tibet. I also know about things like energy drinks."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Get a load of that shit. It's a roundhouse kick to tiredness. One time, I was a cook on a Navy ship, and all these bad guys invaded. I took a sip of my energy drink and was all "Bam! Crack! Pow!" on their asses. Then I fucked a hot chick who came out of a cake."

"Really, I can offer a lot of interesting, uncommon, unknown on very many different points."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"You lost me again. Did I mention that my energy drink is the only "Asian Experience" energy drink? Drink it and POW! no, GOOONNNGGG!..whatever that gong sound is, and then BAM! You'll be tireless like the Asians. Anyway, tell me more about these dragons."

"So when you will want to know that and to work very good on the topics, write me"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Hold it there now, suckaface. You don't tell me what to do. If and when I want to work with you and your dragons, I'll let you know via letter..wait, sorry, that's what you meant..ok."

"Now please pass this letter to those, who will be interested at once. Though I'd advise you that too. Try better to answer now, so that not to lose time and possibilities. All the best!"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"What! Pass this letter to who? You don't come to Steven Seagal with business and then shop around! Who else have you been talking to Dragon man?"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Me! Keeyaaaaah!"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Van Damme!You sneaky Belgian. Where did you come from?"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"I've come to hear this Ukranian fellow speak of his dragons."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Van Damme, the Ukranian dragon man is mine! You're not screwing me out of another deal!"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Oh come on now Stevie, still mad about Double Impact? That movie was meant for me. I was "Twice The Van Damm-"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Twice The Van-Dammage", ughhhh, you know, I could have come up with a marketable name gimmick had I starred in Double Impact. "Onesies..twosies..threesies..Steve-sies.."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"hahahahahaha..."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Fuck you Van Damme."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"hahaha, listen broseph, you need this Ukranian Dragon Man more than I do. You can have him..later ass."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket "God damn I hate that guy. Anyway, looks like we're all set, Ukranian Dragon Man. Once someone shows me where Ukrainia is on the map, I'll book a flight. In addition to all my expenses, you must provide me with a dojo, that will double as a practice space for my band. Also, mark my words Ukranian Dragon Man, if I get even the slightest feeling that you are using your Dragons to roust the gypsies from their rightful land, I will karate chop your face to the hinterland. Keeeyaaah!"

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I Think My Apartment Is Haunted

Some weird shit has been happening in my apartment lately. Doors open and close by themselves, strange noises are heard at random moments throught the day.

Perhaps the most disturbing thing has been the sound of footsteps coming down my hallway. My apartment has hardwood floors, and every other day or so, when I'm alone, I've been hearing someone walk across the floor, in what sounds like hard soled shoes. "Clump, Clump, Clump". It's a little unnerving.

My roommate has also heard these things as well. He told me that he had been noticing that the door to the hallway has been opening and closing by itself. One night he made sure to close the door firmly, to see if anything would happen. Later, he woke up in the middle of the night, and saw that the door to the hallway was wide open. I was out of town that night so it wasn't me that opened the door. I don't think he'd been sleepwalking either.

I live in an old building, that was built in the 1920's, so it is entirely possible that "ghosts" may be lurking. Are ghosts real? I personally don't have any strong feelings either way, but these odd events taking place in my apartment are hard to ignore.

If this ghost is real, then it is a third roommate, and would need to pay rent. It's only fair.

How much? I don't know yet, but its already going to get a pretty good deal since it won't be charged for utilities.

If you are a ghost, you don't need water and electricity, but you are living in my apartment, trying to scare me, so you are paying some of the rent. Fucker.

Right now the "haunting" has been pretty benign. I do have a plan however, should the ghost try to escalate things, and attempt to scare me in my own room a la The Grudge.

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If some creepy long haired ghost woman comes crawling into my room, I will immediately throw off my blankets and start masturbating furiously. I mean, full on, death grip try to start a fire with my penis, furious.

I believe this plan will be an effective counter strike towards the ghost's attempt at trying to scare me. In fact, if done right, masturbating furiously will freak out the ghost instead of me. It will be such a different reaction than what the ghost will be expecting, it will have no choice but to retreat and rethink things.

If the ghost stops, backs up a little and thinks to itself: "What the fuck? Did that guy just start masturbating?". The plan is working.

Any further attempts to scare me while I am masturbating will only make the situation even more awkward for the ghost.

"Gruuhhh (Grudge-like moaning).....shit man..that's just..Come on! You're gonna pull that thing off!"

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The image of me will be burned into the ghost's mind, haunting it forever. I win.

Friday, November 09, 2007

How Many Snakes Can You Fit In Your Ass?

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DUBLIN, Texas - Another day, another bizarre world record for Jackie Bibby, the "Texas Snake Man." Bibby spent about 45 minutes in a see-through bathtub with 87 rattlesnakes Monday, fully clothed, shattering his own record by 12 snakes just in time for Guinness World Records Day, which is Thursday. A Guinness official certified the record.

The record was Bibby's latest grab at glory. Last year he set a Guinness-certified record by holding 10 rattlesnakes by their tails in his mouth at once. He said he hopes to break that record Tuesday by squeezing in an 11th.

And in other news, there is still no cure for cancer.

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