Friday, December 02, 2005

Reason # 45327 Not to make decisions while drunk:

Agreeing to be auctioned off during a charity event.

Uhhh? How did I ever think that this would be a good idea? I'm all for charity events and you, but really, offering me up in a big "Man Auction" isn't a good idea. It isn't a good idea for the charity, and it's definately not a good idea for me.

I'm not the kind of guy that thinks he's hot shit. The kind of guy that likes to talk about how much he can bench, who will then take off his shirt to show off and then fight you about it. That's the kind of guy that makes these auctions work. Guys like this dude from the Real World:

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Even this guy. Try telling him he's not sexy. He won't believe you.:
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I don't know if I can really wow them with muscles or model like looks so what else? I'm funny, and outgoing, but I really can't start a bidding frenzy over a witty writing sample or a joke.

Imagine the scenario. The announcer introduces Frank:

"Laaaadies welcome Frank, he's a 6 foot tall firefighter that rescues kittens in trees, works out 5 days a week, and is tan all year. He describes himself as good looking, stong and loves reading the dictionary!"
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Wild cheering. The announcer tilts his head to hear Frank..

"..what's that? Of course you can rip your shirt off! Ladies how 'bout it?"

Crazy bidding ensues.

Then, I come up. Announcer goes:

"Laaaadies say hi to Eric!-
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He's 5 foot 7, works in the Story Department where he reads a lot and he's an art lover as well"
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I do a little strut, maybe turn my back to the bidders, and do a coy look over the shoulder thing..then I'd turn back to the announcer to suggest something I could do. He listens and then says:

"What? Oh you want to read a witty writing sample? Yeah I don't know about that...Uh...wait what was could tell a joke? Um..why don't you just rip your shirt off?"

So in a last ditch effort I take my shirt off. Regular style though, like over the head. I can't rip it without at least cutting it first.

"...Oh hmm maybe you should just keep your shirt ok...ladies that was Eric!"

I really wish I hadn't said yes to this auction thing. Stupid charity, always guilt tripping me into feats of stupidity. I don't even know what charity it's for. It better not be for something lame like, "Dry Beds For Bedwetting Step Children" or some bullshit like that. I should really get some details.

It could be fun though, I mean how often do you get a chance to see how much you're worth? I just hope opening bidding starts at over ten dollars. I'd like to get a double digit figure at least.

Ladies start your bidding.

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