Thursday, April 27, 2006

Douchebags

On my street, amongst a sea of Honda Civics, Toyota Corrollas, and various other pieces of shit, we have this car:

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One thing I love about douchebags, is the fact that they'll spend a shitload of money on a nice car, but not have any money left over to pay for shit like: parking tickets, rent or whatever. I don't think the guy is driving around town sipping Cristal out of the bottle. There's a wadded up Capri Sun next to the driver's side door! That's probably all the dude can afford, Capri Sun, and maybe once in a while some HI-C "Ecto Cooler".

I'm sure the car gets the douchebag that owns it a lot of chicks, but what happens when they want to come home with him? Is he really going to bring them home to his shithole apartment next to Pink's Hotdog's? Just because he's got a sweet ride doesn't mean he's got a house on the beach in Malibu.

I mean how's it gonna work? Say the douche spots a table of drunk girls at The Saddle Ranch. They seem decent enough, couple sixes, maybe sevens on a good day, save for the one heinous looking chick. He gets some shots together and heads over to the table, as the girls all start cheering for one of their friends who is desperately trying to look hot while flailing around on the mechanical bull. There's a lot of clapping and shouting, because it's Thursday night, and sometimes girls just need to get out and party!

The douche brings the shots over to their table, and immediately they circle the wagons because no man is going to bust in on their party. The ringleader Patty, the one with the unfortunate face tells the guy to get lost. The guy is persistent, he brought shots, I mean come on. Patty sees that he has shots, and has a change of heart. She let's out a "Yeaaaah" or something equally piercing, and shots are consumed by the table. The douche has got his game down. He has some high powered job or something. Makes a lot of money...drives a sweet ass car. Whatever. They continue drinking. One of the girls starts taking an interest in the douche, and she let's Patty know. Patty, the wet blanket of the group, who normally would have cockblocked the douche , gives the thumbs up instead, because...well..he's got money and drives a sweet ass car...he's a total catch.

So, the girl and the douche have a sweaty kamikaze fueled make out session by the bathroom and decide to take off in his sweet ass car.

Where are they going to go from there? A guy that makes a lot of money, money enough to buy a sweet ass car doesn't live in an apartment near Pink's Hot Dog's. The douche can't take her to his aparment. They can't have sex on a pile of Maxim magazines, and dirty dishes. They gotta have sex in his sweet ass car, but how?

That's a question I can not answer, but rest assured, once I have enough money to buy my own sweet ass car, I'll figure it out.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Long Beach Grand Prix

About two weeks ago a group of us went down to the Long Beach Grand Prix. Our friend Phil has an apartment that overlooks the racecourse.

Balcony view overlooking a portion of the course
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We had a good view of one of the turns which was great because seeing cars go fast in a straight line is boring. I see that shit everyday on the freeway.

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But the thing about auto racing..once you've seen the first two minutes, you've seen them all. The rest of the time you're just waiting for someone to crash.

"CARS GOING FAST ARE AWESOME!"
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They zoom by
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and I'm like..."Damn"
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Then the cars...they drove by again real fast!
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And Mike was like "Dude these guys are driving really fast!"
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I was like, "I know! Way faster than the speed limit, that's for sure"

But it didn't end there! After about two minutes, these fuckers drove by again! Really fast!
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Jeff couldn't believe it!
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He got all excited because he wasn't sure if the cars were gonna drive by again.

He kept asking, "Are they coming back?". I wasn't sure what to tell him, I didn't know if they were, but then sure enough, they drove by real fast!

After the race we didn't stay too long. On the way back, I saw this awesome billboard.

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Sassy grandma on the trike ain't afraid of dying. She says "Fuck Dying", and then punches the Reaper in the face.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Jack In The Box and Me! Friends again!

















Last Thursday I rode my bike to Jack In The Box after leaving The Bar. Yeah it's a bar called "The Bar", brilliant, anyway, I rode my bike through the drive through, and was denied service. It wasn't so much of a, "Sorry sir, we can't serve you", it was more of a "Get the fuck outta here" kinda thing. I mean, the drive through lady slammed the drive through window in my face, and then three employees who were just kicking it out on the front steps like they were on some stoop in Bed Stuy told me to beat it. I wasn't causing a scene, I was just asking them why I couldn't order a delicious Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger. They never gave me a reason, which was so annoying.

In hindsight, I realize that I couldn't get served at the drive through window for safety reasons. I mean, I would be fucked if some car driven by some drunk idiot crashed into me. Then, Jack In The Box would be fucked if I sued them after. I get that, but that night, the more I thought about what happened the angrier I got. I was starving, and when I'm starving, I get fucking mad. So I rode home and wrote an email to Jack In The Box at four in the morning telling them how pissed off I was.

I have parts of that email which were cut and pasted into a blog post that didn't last very long; not all of it unfortunately, but what I have is amazing. Highlights include me writing in bold:

"Jack In The Box Supports Drunk Driving"

I accused Jack In The Box of supporting drunk driving. Genius! I then continue,

"Jack In The Box, why do you support drunk driving? I mean, that's what I was lead to believe. If I showed up in a car, drunk, I would have gotten service. Showing up on a bicycle, sober means no service in the Jack In The Box world."

And then went on further

"You should be ashamed. Apparently you would rather serve a car full of drunkards, than one sober person on a bike. I loved you Jack In The Box, and you screwed me like a cheap prom date."

So I mention the word sober a couple times. I wasn't totally sober, obviously. I mean I had just left "The Bar". However, I wasn't hammered, or shitfaced, or plastered or whatever the current fun word used to describe potential liver damaging inebriation is used. I will say, that upon reading what I have left of my angry email to Jack In The Box, I was drunk enough to sound retarded.

Going further, I see that I have also written

"Jack In The Box, you know who served me? McDonalds. Yes. McDonald's. I love them now. Fuck you Jack In The Box. I love McDonalds. I rode there on my bike, rolled through the drive through, and was served a delicious double quarter pounder with cheese."

Thankfully McDonald's let me order from them. They didn't care that I was on the bike. I would have much rather have had the Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger though. The Double Quarter Pounder only has two patties. The B.U.C offers two patties, way more cheese as well as bacon on top of it all. The value is there. Do the math.

I also like how I keep referring to "Jack In The Box" as if it were a person. It's more personal that way.

And then of course, with any email of this nature, it's best to end with

"I'm never ordering from Jack In The Box again."

Which is a boldfaced lie.

I sent this email to Jack In The Box headquarters last week, and I had totally forgotten about it until I received a phone call yesterday. It was Jack In The Box! Well, really some dude whose name I don't remember. He said, "Eric, I have an email from you about an unfortunate night taking place last week"

Immediately, I got embarrassed. Here I was, a week later...should I have still held onto my grudge with Jack In The Box?

"Dammit, I'm fucking pissed man! It's been seven days, and I'm still fucking pissed. I couldn't order my Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger! You fucks! Why I oughtta.."

It would seem pretty sad, so I kind of laughed and said, "Yeah, I was really hungry that night...".

We both laughed, which was a good thing because it meant that Jack In The Box and I were friends again. Then, the Jack In The Box representative, went into why they couldn't serve me while I was on my bike, which made sense, and pretty much what I figured. Safety reasons. That's cool.

So as the conversation was winding down, he added that a bunch of the Jack In The Box customer relations people passed around my email, and that it was their favorite one they've read in a while. He said that normally, the email complaints they get range from "Fuck you", to "Burger is no good. Please make better", and that they appreciated that mine was well written(?), and funny. Well, I guess that's what you get when you try to write an angry letter of complaint at four in the morning while kind of drunk. It comes across as funny.

He also told me that I sent the email twice.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Last Days In Japan

Karaoke in Japan is a bit different than here in the states. Instead of going up on a stage in front of a bunch of drunken bar patrons, you get your own private booth for you and your friends. It's a lot of fun, and since it's a private booth with friends, people that would normally be too shy to go up in front of a crowd of strangers end up singing a lot and having a good time. Although, singing karaoke in front of a crowd of drunken bar patrons can be a lot of fun, especially when you yell out "Girl look at yo titties!" at some drunken bar floozy and not get punched in the face after.

Karaoke is a serious thing in Japan. The song selection is amazing. Not only do they have an infinite selection of old and up to the minute current Japanese pop songs and standards, they also have books with an amazing selection of songs in English. Everything from Bon Jovi, and Billy Idol, to The Damned, The Misfits, and The New York Dolls. Try to find a karaoke joint in the states that has a catalog that deep.

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Kicking things off
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TJ rocking out a Japanese pop song. It was excellent
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Me killing Wanted Dead or Alive
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I've seen a million faces..and I've rocked them all, including Celia. She can barely contain her excitement!
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Matt, I don't remember what he sang..
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But I do remember the moves.
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If you look closely, you'll see that Matt is holding a maraca or whatever they're called. The weird shakey things. The karaoke booth features tambourines and maracas. So there's always something to do to get in on the fun. People are either actively tambourine-ning (?), or shaking those maracas.

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The next night, after dinner
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We went off for more....karaoke!!
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We had a larger group with us this time
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Everyone was so good. A lot of the songs people sang were really fast, and all of them sang really well. It made my shitty, scream every lyric approach seem, well...even shittier.

Yeah..take this mic away please
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I'm pretty sure this pic was taken when I was slaughtering "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen. If you know the song, take a look at my face. There isn't really a moment in the song where contorting the face to utter some sort of Icelandic death metal growl is possible, but I found it apparently.

And then "Thriller"
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Wow. Just...wow.

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That's about it for all the fun pics I took from Japan. Oh yeah, here are some more

TJ's impressions of me.
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Ok, yeah I wear that hat a lot, but the hands akimbo pose? I only do that when I urinate at bathroom stalls. Hands free yo!

Matt's impresion of TJ and his Man Bag
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I had a great time in Japan, and I definately want to go back there soon. The food was great, the people are awesome, and the toilets! I have to say it again. The toilets are fucking awesome!

Not to mention the signage

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Totally. I hear ya.

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A big thank you goes out to TJ for putting me up for the week I was visiting!

Check out the Gingerbread Couch! That was my bed!
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That's it for my Japan trip!

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Thursday, April 13, 2006

Stupid Acts of Stupidity Are Go!

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I have health insurance again!!!! Rejoice!!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Tsukiji Fish Market

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5:30....AM...ugghhh

Waking up at 5am to get to the train station wasn't so bad actually. I was surprised that I didn't see more people up that early. I half expected the train station to be more crowded.

Tsukiji Fish Market is one of the largest fish markets in the world. More than 2000 tons of seafood products roll through the market every morning. It has practically everything the ocean produces for sale. Delicious items that I wanted to eat right there, as well as things from the deep dark sea that I care never to see again. Weird horned things that can only have come from the stygian depths of hell which have continued to haunt my dreams to this day.

There is an auction held every morning at 5am, where people come in to bid on fish. Millions of dollars change hands here every morning. It's crazy! Bidding is closed to the general public however. It used to be open to tourists and the like, but that ended a little while ago after tourists kept fucking everything up.

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Navigating through the fish market was an experience. The pathways are very narrow, and packed with people buying and selling fish. Carts, motorcycles, and forklifts zoom around everywhere at breakneck speed. Everyone there was working so hard, hauling fish, delivering fish etc. I could sense that they hated every tourist there. I mean, I would if I worked there. Imagine working at this place. Everything moves so quickly, you're trying to navigate through to make a delivery, and some jackass tourist is in the middle of your way, mouth agape just standing there head buried in their Frommer's Guide.

Look at how pissed this guy is
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I took this picture a second after some guy just walked into the middle of the pathway to take a picture of something. The backup you see happened within milliseconds. Insane.

I'm sure that worker wanted to punch that person in the face for making him late, and then shove my camera up my ass for taking a picture of how mad he was.

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Tuna
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Tuna fetches high prices at the market. I never knew tuna could be that big. These weren't even the largest ones there!

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Look at all this tuna!
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The fish were frozen solid, which made them look fake. Look at that thing! It could eat your face!
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The end of our visit to the fish market was capped by a fresh sushi breakfast at one of the small eateries that neighbor the fish market.

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Eating sushi at 7am is kind of weird, but it was really good.

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After that, we took the train home amidst the morning commute
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Slackers! We've been up since 5am!

Fine, they're all going to work while I spent the rest of the day trying to find the "Freshness Burger" joint I kept hearing about. Still, it was hard work trying to find it. Verdict? The burgers were indeed totally "Freshness!"

Next up: Karaoke pics! I think that'll be it...I don't know anymore.....

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