Friday, April 21, 2006

Jack In The Box and Me! Friends again!

Last Thursday I rode my bike to Jack In The Box after leaving The Bar. Yeah it's a bar called "The Bar", brilliant, anyway, I rode my bike through the drive through, and was denied service. It wasn't so much of a, "Sorry sir, we can't serve you", it was more of a "Get the fuck outta here" kinda thing. I mean, the drive through lady slammed the drive through window in my face, and then three employees who were just kicking it out on the front steps like they were on some stoop in Bed Stuy told me to beat it. I wasn't causing a scene, I was just asking them why I couldn't order a delicious Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger. They never gave me a reason, which was so annoying.

In hindsight, I realize that I couldn't get served at the drive through window for safety reasons. I mean, I would be fucked if some car driven by some drunk idiot crashed into me. Then, Jack In The Box would be fucked if I sued them after. I get that, but that night, the more I thought about what happened the angrier I got. I was starving, and when I'm starving, I get fucking mad. So I rode home and wrote an email to Jack In The Box at four in the morning telling them how pissed off I was.

I have parts of that email which were cut and pasted into a blog post that didn't last very long; not all of it unfortunately, but what I have is amazing. Highlights include me writing in bold:

"Jack In The Box Supports Drunk Driving"

I accused Jack In The Box of supporting drunk driving. Genius! I then continue,

"Jack In The Box, why do you support drunk driving? I mean, that's what I was lead to believe. If I showed up in a car, drunk, I would have gotten service. Showing up on a bicycle, sober means no service in the Jack In The Box world."

And then went on further

"You should be ashamed. Apparently you would rather serve a car full of drunkards, than one sober person on a bike. I loved you Jack In The Box, and you screwed me like a cheap prom date."

So I mention the word sober a couple times. I wasn't totally sober, obviously. I mean I had just left "The Bar". However, I wasn't hammered, or shitfaced, or plastered or whatever the current fun word used to describe potential liver damaging inebriation is used. I will say, that upon reading what I have left of my angry email to Jack In The Box, I was drunk enough to sound retarded.

Going further, I see that I have also written

"Jack In The Box, you know who served me? McDonalds. Yes. McDonald's. I love them now. Fuck you Jack In The Box. I love McDonalds. I rode there on my bike, rolled through the drive through, and was served a delicious double quarter pounder with cheese."

Thankfully McDonald's let me order from them. They didn't care that I was on the bike. I would have much rather have had the Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger though. The Double Quarter Pounder only has two patties. The B.U.C offers two patties, way more cheese as well as bacon on top of it all. The value is there. Do the math.

I also like how I keep referring to "Jack In The Box" as if it were a person. It's more personal that way.

And then of course, with any email of this nature, it's best to end with

"I'm never ordering from Jack In The Box again."

Which is a boldfaced lie.

I sent this email to Jack In The Box headquarters last week, and I had totally forgotten about it until I received a phone call yesterday. It was Jack In The Box! Well, really some dude whose name I don't remember. He said, "Eric, I have an email from you about an unfortunate night taking place last week"

Immediately, I got embarrassed. Here I was, a week later...should I have still held onto my grudge with Jack In The Box?

"Dammit, I'm fucking pissed man! It's been seven days, and I'm still fucking pissed. I couldn't order my Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger! You fucks! Why I oughtta.."

It would seem pretty sad, so I kind of laughed and said, "Yeah, I was really hungry that night...".

We both laughed, which was a good thing because it meant that Jack In The Box and I were friends again. Then, the Jack In The Box representative, went into why they couldn't serve me while I was on my bike, which made sense, and pretty much what I figured. Safety reasons. That's cool.

So as the conversation was winding down, he added that a bunch of the Jack In The Box customer relations people passed around my email, and that it was their favorite one they've read in a while. He said that normally, the email complaints they get range from "Fuck you", to "Burger is no good. Please make better", and that they appreciated that mine was well written(?), and funny. Well, I guess that's what you get when you try to write an angry letter of complaint at four in the morning while kind of drunk. It comes across as funny.

He also told me that I sent the email twice.

Oh my god, Eric. That is basically the funniest thing I've heard in all of 2006. I love that you sent it twice.
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