Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Because it was so hot

I didn't go out and buy groceries, so now I'm fucking starving but it doesn't even matter because it's too goddamn hot to eat anyway.

Yesterday as I walked outside to get some food, cursing the sweltering heat, I saw someone sitting at a table under direct sunlight...eating a bowl of chili.
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What the fuck? Didn't this person know that it was at least 95 degrees, and humid outside? It's too hot for me inside with air conditioning on, and here's this guy chowing down gleefully on a spoonful of piping hot chili, outside, underneath the hateful eye of the sun.

Ughhh...I bet the chili was meat filled chili...spicy meat chili. I think that's what's offered at the new dining facility here at work. I wouldn't know actually, since I don't eat chili on hot ass days.

This really shouldn't bother me. Perhaps it's the heat and the sweat collecting on my forehead and upper lip that's turning me into a cranky person, but people shouldn't eat hot foods outside on hot days!

For your reference, I've compiled a list of foods that should not be eaten outside, under direct sunlight on hot days. These are merely suggestions. You eat what you want. I don't care. Even if it is ball's ass hot.:

1. Chili

2. Hot Pockets

3. Meatloaf

4. Anything with curry sauce

5. Garlic fries. Yes, even at the ballgame. No one wants to be around you as you shove garlic fries into your gaping maw, all the while you sweat out all the garlic to the dismay of everyone around you with working noses.

6. Fondue. Chocolate, or Cheese. It doesn't matter. Both bad.

This is a quick list. It's too hot to keep typing....

**Update to the list***
My friend Mike also suggested

7. Clam Chowder. Excellent suggestion. Clam Chowder definately should not be eaten under the sun on a hot day. Double minus points if it's Clam Chowder in a bowl made out of bread.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Because Everybody Needs A Little Creepy In Their Lives..

During the past few weeks, in addition to trying survive my first month on the job, I've been attempting to clean up my cubicle. When I first started, it was very much the old assistant's desk. So, I've been trying to do what I can to make my workspace my own. The old assistant left some hats, some old promo material, and things like that. All normal stuff.

Except this thing:

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How creepy is this shit? For the past month this fucking marionette has been sitting at the corner of my desk. Staring at me with its beady painted on eyes. I uncovered it when moving a bunch of papers around, and was none too pleased. Three things creep me out in life. Spiders. Clowns. And Dolls. This doll should not exist. I don't like it. Here's another picture:

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Fuck that shit. Who the fuck wants to own this thing of pure evil? Where did it come from? I need to toss it in the trash, yet I've just left it there sitting in the corner for a month. Why can't I bring myself to throw it in the trash? I'll tell you why. It's possesed by something. Evil is preventing me from sending this wooden, painted, jester hat wearing manifestation of all that is unholy back to the stygian depths of hell from whence it came.

I don't know if it can move by itself or if the cleaning crew is fucking with me but I swear every other day, the doll is in a different position than I remember it being in last. One day it's sitting up with its back to the wall, then next day it's laying face down in the corner of my desk. I don't touch the thing. So what's moving it? It's most likely the cleaning crew, not evil posession that's making the doll move. That's the logical explanation.

But. The cleaning crew doesn't clean desks! My desk is never clean.No one else's desks get cleaned. So if the cleaning crew doesn't clean desks, the doll couldn't have been moved by them, leaving only one explanation. Evil is afoot.

During the past month there has been a bombing in India, rising conflict in Lebanon, a dog gave birth to a human baby, and the Oakland A's found themselves in first place before the All Star Break.

Sign of a coming apocalypse? Could the doll be sending us a message?

I don't know, but the fucking doll moves by itself!

What's making the doll move?

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What does the doll mean?
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Damn you doll.....damn you....
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Thursday, July 13, 2006

Fucking Mouse!

Letter to IT Department:

My mouse barely works, the cursor stutters all over the place making it hard to do anything. It moves like an Etch-A Sketch, where I can only make square movements, so in order to click on a small button, like to close a window, I have to make smaller and smaller consecutive squares until I home in on the button.

Not very productive. It causes rage.

Please send me a new one as soon as possible. Thank you!

I hope I get a new mouse soon. IT Dept. Said, soon. Which means next week probably..

This mouse is driving me crazy. Especially when working in Excel where you have tiny little cells to navigate around. I've just been doing my square movements hoping that I get closer and closer to the cell I want to work in. Usually I just get close and and then use "Tab" and the arrow keys. Fucking. Tedious.

Work is awesome!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006



Friday, July 07, 2006


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Starts in 13.5 hours.

I've only been to one other bachelor party, and it was so fun I don't even remember it. I really would like to remember this one though, but who knows? I think I might die actually.

I have to make a Dan-chelor Party themed shirt. Too bad there isn't enough time to make shirts for everyone that's going. We could all wear the same shirt! We could be those guys! Lame!

I'll still make one for myself: "I Went To Dan's Bachelor Party And All I Got Was This Lousy T Shirt" hahaha clever!

No, I can think of better ones, things that might actually happen this weekend which would make the shirts ultrahip and cool. Someone could ask "Did you really do that at Dan's bachelor party?" And I'd say "Yes, it did happen..there's real blood on this shirt too..taste!"

Shirts with catchy slogans referring to things that might happen this weekend could include:

"I Went To Dan's Bachelor Party And I Killed Someone!"

"I Went To Dan's Bachelor Party And All I Got Was This Lousy STD"

"I Went To Dan's Bachelor Party And All I Did Was Cry"

"I Went To Dan's Bachelor Party And All I Got Was This Lousy Woman, Pregnant"

"I Went To Dan's Bachelor Party And Punched A Shark In The Mouth"

"I Went To Dan's Bachelor Party And Got Tony And Clive, Arrested"

Possibly the most realistic shirt slogan for this weekend will probably be:

"I Went To Dan's Bachelor Party And All I Did Was Puke And Shit"

Sadly, it's a real possiblity that this shirt will be the more relevant one.

I really don't want to wear that shirt.

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