Monday, September 25, 2006

Thank You Mom And Dad For This Boring Life

Angelina's got two, a Cambodian, and an African one, Jessica Simpson is thinking about one from Mexico...

With more and more Hollywood people adopting babies from different countries, I can't help but think that my parents did me a great disservice by not putting me up for adoption when I was born.

I don't know if the ethnic baby adoption market was as popular as it is now, way back in the late seventies, or early eighties; but if there were a chance that I might have been adopted by one of the up and coming starlets of yesteryear such as Olivia Newton John, or Dorothy Stratton, I missed it because of my stupid selfish parents. "Release me to the world mom and dad! Let some spoiled starlet with money to burn adopt me!" is what I should have said to them had I been able to form words and speak upon my delivery.

Imagine all the parties I would have gone to as my Starlet Mommy carried me everywhere like some new toy. These would have been 80's parties too. The kind with all the coke and power networking. It would have been perfect. Starlet Mommy could have hid her drugs in my diaper. What cop would look there? I would have been the coolest accessory.

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No, my parents had to raise me in a nice suburban neighborhood. My parents had to work hard everyday to pay the mortgage, not once taking me to some sexy wild party where everone fucks each other in a drug addled haze. I'll never know what it's like to grow up in those crazed surroundings, go to rehab at age 13, sober up, become an actor, fall off the wagon again for years, then go to rehab again, then experience a great career renaissance prompting people to applaud me as the Comeback Of The Year! Shame on my parents for denying me the chance at this fantastic path through life.

I guess one good thing about growing up with plain old biological Mom and Dad is that I escaped death, which is one thing I can't say for sure had I been Dorothy Stratten's kid. Whew! Dodged a bullet there!

Well Mom and Dad, My life is boring thanks to you. When, I visit you guys next, I'm going to run straight to my room, slam the door and play rock music really loud. Yeah...serves you right.

I will also be bringing my laundry home.

Love,
Me

Monday, September 18, 2006

Too Many Weddings!

In the past two years, I have been to so many weddings I've lost count. I like going to weddings, because it is an opportunity to see friends that you haven't seen in a while. Nowadays, the only way to get a group of friends together is through weddings since everyone is all spread out. Plus open bars and great food help as well. I really like that part.

I just got back from a wedding in Hawaii, and I've got two more weddings rounding out the last two weekends of September. I barely have time to get my one nice "wedding" shirt dry cleaned.

Lately, all the traveling between each wedding has started to get me a little bummed out.
Everyone's getting married. I'm getting kinda depressed thinking about it now actually. The fact that I'm going to all these weddings, and not accumulating any sort of frequent flier miles is pretty sad.

The only "cool" thing I get with my Bank Of The West Visa card is the image of bears on the front. It's not even that cool of a picture. It's a picture of a momma bear and her cub. Awww. yeah it's cute, but I want a picture of a ferocious bear, teeth bared in a vicious snarl. A big ass chomping bear mouth ready to lay waste to department store sales, and bar tabs.

The Bank Of The West Bear isn't too bad though, my college mascot the San Francisco State Alligator was pretty lame. Only because the picture I had of him, was that of a "Booksmart Alligator", all backpack, hat and goofy stare like. I don't want a smart alligator to represent my school. I want an alligator with a dead baby in its mouth! I want a gator that's stalking someone in the everglades! I want a mean gator dammit! Not an alligator that can tutor me in math.

I did a search for the SF State alligator, but I only came up with the gator mascot for our sports team (We had sports?). While slightly better than the "Booksmart Alligator", this one comes off a bit fey for a school's sports team (No really..wait...we had sports teams?). Check it out..

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Pretty ferocious right? Like, ferocious in that " Hi there...I'm just leaning here on this post with one hand akimbo...what are you doing?" kinda ferocity.

I'm getting off track here..oh yeah, miles....Frequent flyer award points would be so rad though. Imagine all the points I could have accumulated with my trips to Australia, Norway, Japan and all these damned weddings!

I guess it's time to start looking for a new credit card...a ferocious card. With miles..

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Halloween Is Around The Corner! Ladies Do You Have Costumes Yet?

It's almost Halloween again!!

Ladies? Do you have costumes yet?

I know most of you are planning your costumes based on "Sexy" or "Slutty"

"Sexy Nurse", "Slutty Maid", "Sexy Cheerleader", "Sexy Mechanic", "Slutty Blockbuster Clerk Issuing Late Fees For Overdue Rentals". It doesn't really matter what you are for Halloween as long as it's the hot version. Right?

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Seriously. Ladies. The "Slutty/Sexy _____" is cool, but mix it up a little! Aren't you tired of being one of five "Sexy Cowgirls" at every Halloween party?

Instead of the usual, do something daring. Like show up to a party completely naked. You can be the "Slutty You".

Or, go for tragic characters from the world of cinema. I don't think we've seen a slutty Sophie Zowistowska from "Sophie's Choice".
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How about a slutty Jodie Foster from "The Accused"? Although...Jodie Foster's character in the movie experienced disasterous results with it...If you wear this costume to that one frat that throws all the "kick ass Halloween parties", just remember to be mindful of your surroundings, and you won't end up having to chop off all your hair later.
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Sexy slutty Aileen Wuornos, from "Monster". If I saw that I'd be like..."Damn, that chick be totally fine. Murderously fine yo".
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(By the way, I love this picture. It's like Charlie Brown going 'Auggghh!!')

If you show up to a party as the "Slutty Carrie" from "Carrie", like, with fishnets, heels and blood. I can safely say that you would be more popular at that one party than Carrie did during her whole life.
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I'm just trying to help. I know a lot of you wait until the last minute to buy costumes, and you grab whatever you can on your way out to the parties. However, if you find yourself with time to think of a cool Halloween costume, consider my suggestions. You'll look hot, and I guarantee no one else will have the same costume as you.

Especially if you go as Sexy Catharine Martin from "Silence Of The Lambs"
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Friday, September 08, 2006

It's Friday. What's going on tonight?

BTMBRKT: where are you guys going

workaholickenne: hmmm
workaholickenne: i dunno...
workaholickenne: cat and fiddle maybe

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BTMBRKT: they should have cats playing fiddles there

workaholickenne: seriously

BTMBRKT: that you can heckle and say things like, "You're the shittiest fiddle playing cat I've ever heard"

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workaholickenne: and they wouldn't understand bec they're cats
workaholickenne: haha


BTMBRKT: hahaha exactly
BTMBRKT: hahaha

workaholickenne: haha

BTMBRKT: stupid cats. when will they ever learn?

workaholickenne: i know i know

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Pictures From Hawaii...not my pictures...but whatever.

I was supposed to have my pictures from Dan and Rachel's Hawaiian wedding up by now. I'm lazy. I have a good excuse though, you know..I'm in between apartments and all that...nevermind the fact that I have my laptop, and an internet connection available to upload pics during my transition, whatever. I'm lazy. So, in the meantime, I'll just post pictures I've poached from other people's photo uploads.

Tony emailed pictures he took of me and Clive taking pictures. It's artsy stuff really...it's like..a photo, of a guy taking a picture of a guy taking a picture.

Here's Clive, taking a picture of me, taking a picture of the Hyatt courtyard area...whoa...
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Here's me taking a photo of Clive taking a picture of the other side of the courtyard area
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And then Clive caught the magic of the spot where the wedding took place, through the magic of me taking a picture of it. I know you're overwhelmed...the level of photographic mastery displayed here is enough to make Ansel Adams take a massive shit in his pants.

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Marcy has a lot of photos up on her blog, of which I stole this series I call "Hot And Crazy Hawaii Days, Kauai-et Evenings"

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I also stole a pic of Dan playing the role of "Groom"

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And Rachel as "Bride", co-starring "Dad"
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This photo of Rachel in mid Thriller throwdown, Mikel, and a sweaty swarthy me is courtesy of Caroline.

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The wedding was a blast. Those that were left the day after took a boat cruise up towards the Na Pali Coast. I of course forgot to bring my camera. Basically we saw pretty coastline, and the ocean. We couldn't snorkel due to strong currents, but we did see some turtles, and all the newlyweds aboard the ship got to do some sort of romantic waterfall thing where you're supposed to go under some waterfall that will bring you long lasting happiness in your marriage or something. In order for the newlyweds to get under the waterfall the boat captain had to steer the boat dangerously close to the rocks of the shoreline, risking the lives of everyone on the boat. Everyone out in front was too drunk on newlywedded bliss to notice the danger; only the few people scattered on the top of the boat, those of us who are single, and have cancerous, blackened bitter hearts were aware of the treacherous situation. Mix us all together, and the boat was a wild and crazy party! Cue the music!

"rock the boat, don't rock the boat baby
rock the boat, don't tip the boat over
rock the boat, don't rock the boat baby
rock the boaaaaaat"

Too much boat rocking got some of the group really really sick, thankfully there were plenty of buckets to puke in.

Anyway, that was Hawaii. It was fun.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Moving is terrible

I've joined the ranks of the homeless! Only for a little while though...so no living under a freeway overpass for me. Thankfully Marcy has let me store my shit at her house for a couple days.

What sucks about this move is that I don't have the option of using this upcoming long weekend to move into my new apartment. The timing was all off. Moving out the first of September, and not being able to move into the new place until September 5th. When I signed the lease for the new apartment a couple weeks ago, this four day period between apartments didn't seem too bad.

Then, the slow realization that I didn't have any time to pack, and had no clue what to do with all my shit during the time between apartments started to appear. Right now everything I have is split between a Uhaul cargo van and Marcy's garage. The cargo van isn't too bad, it would be better in a Uhaul truck but all those were rented out. Plus, the fact that all my stuff is in a cargo van, that will be parked on the street for four days is pretty unsettling. If the van were to get stolen, I would basically lose all my shit. My clothes, my television, my secret plans, everything would be lost.

Had I not thrown as much stuff out as I could the night before I moved out, the cargo van would have been way too small. You quickly come to terms with what you own and what you're willing to throw away when you're faced with having to move out of your apartment and only have one day left to do it. Did I really need that newspaper front page picture of Bob Dole falling off the podium during one of his presidential debates?

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No. I threw it out. Did I really need these table lamps? No, chuck it. Am I really going to read the Da Vinci code again? Do I really need this bed? What about this nightstand? No! Fuck it, throw it all away!

My roommate Jeff and I hired a "GOT JUNK" guy to come by and handle all the shit. Basically their business is to throw away all your crap if it is too overwhelming for the regular city trash service. It was a fucking huge truckfull of shit, and the guys took it away quickly. I do shed a tear for the Bob Dole falling down picture. I really wish I had kept it and framed it. I've had it since 1996. I don't know why, I guess something about it makes me smile.

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ahhh, everytime I see the picture I give a hearty chuckle. Whatever, you laughed too when it happened. I fall down weekly, stumbling over my own two feet often, and I'm sure when I'm as old as Bob Dole, I'm going to fall down daily.

One other thing I learned during this move, rather "move in progress". The whole idea of lifting with the legs and not the back isn't hogwash folks. My back hurts so bad right now from improper lifting form, it hurts to do anything. I'm left with walking like Frankenstein in order to alleviate the pain. Sucks. Ow.

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