Thursday, October 26, 2006

Lose Weight Save On Gas

Today's headline on Yahoo News: "Lose Weight, Save Money On Gas?"

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How shitty does that guy in the picture feel? Did he know he was going to be front page news? Was the photographer just sitting at the gas station waiting for the perfect fat guy pumping gas?

What did the photographer say to him when he took the guy's picture?

Photographer: "So I couldn't help but notice that you're pumping gas"

Yahoo News Fat Guy: "Yeah, pumping gas."

Photographer: "I also noticed that you're fat."

Yahoo News Fat Guy: "What?"

Photographer, "You're amazing. I'd like to take your picture"

Yahoo News Fat Guy: "What? Why?"

Photographer: "We're doing an article on how fat asses like yourself would save some money on gas if they lost some weight. I thought, since you're a big fat guy, you wouldn't mind me taking your picture."

Yahoo News Fat Guy: "I guess not...I don't know.."

The Photographer starts putting a wide angle lens on his camera. Sensing the Fat Guy's aprehension, the photographer offers..

"Look, it won't be that bad. Just let me take your picture, and I'll give you these Twinkies"

Yahoo News Fat Guy takes the Twinkies. The Photographer's been in the game for a long time. From shattered war torn areas to the rough streets of the city, this photographer knows..they always take the Twinkies.

Photographer: "Great! Also, your photo will be posted on Yahoo for millions of people to see. You'll be known as the "Fat Gas Pumping Fat Guy"

Yahoo News Fat Guy resumes pumping gas a little confused..

Photographer: "Excellent. Can you cry a little? Like, cry while you eat that Twinkie?

Who knows? This might have happened and you know what? Maybe the Fat Guy will lose some weight after all this. Shamed into weight loss, though he'll save a lot on gas money!

All you potential Yahoo Obesity News photo fodder out there. Don't wait until someone takes your photo and puts it on Yahoo to lose weight. You can start now! Don't you want to save money on gas? I mean, health benefits aside and all..

Monday, October 16, 2006

Coworker Zombie Update: Something Has Gone Terribly Wrong

Coworker Zombie Watch 2006 has been pretty quiet during the last couple of days. I was a little disturbed by the lack of concrete evidence that our coworker was indeed turning into a zombie.

In fact, he seemed to be recovering from his head injury quite well. He was almost back to normal. Almost. Something was still a bit off, I couldn't quite explain it. It was just a feeling I had. I was worried that things were still wrong, and that even though through outside appearance he was somewhat normal, deep down inside...changes were happening. Much like how, many alcoholics can function day to day at their jobs while dangerously inebriated, I kept thinking that maybe my coworker was doing the same, not with alcohol, but with decaying organ and brain tissue.

I had to do some thinking. I did some research over on this website:

http://www.loris.net/zombie/zexperts.html

and researched their many Zombie Detection Devices:

http://www.loris.net/zombie/zproducts.html

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I was intruiged but ultimately decided not to purchase the items because I wanted to detect zombie like activity without using things at emit loud alarms. Remember, this is in the workplace so disturbing alarms would only panic everyone in the office. Not to mention, it may send our rookie zombie into some sort of berserker zombie rage that no one could ever prepare for.

Left without options I decided to mull things over with a bottle of whiskey. Like usual, after downing about half the bottle I came up with a brilliant plan. I was reminded of a movie called "They Live", where Rowdy Roddy Piper joins up with some people that have made special glasses that allow wearers to see aliens that have disguised themselves as people to infiltrate our society.
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Could my coworker be doing the same thing? Was he really a zombie in "living person skin"? I had to explore further.

As I continued to drink the rest of the whiskey, I started designing my own pair of special sunglasses. I had some sunglasses nearby that I knew would work well, so I grabbed them, and set them on the counter before me. I took some tinfoil and wrapped them around the rim of the glasses so that the metal in the foil could "conduct things". I also added a camera to the glasses to make sure it recorded whatever I saw. Smart thinking I thought. The last step inolved microwaving everything together in the microwave. After that things got a bit fuzzy since by then I had drank myself into genious-osity.

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After passing out, I woke up and grabbed my state of the art Zombie Detection Glasses. Would they work? I hoped so. There was only one way to tell.

I drove into work the next morning a bundle of nervous energy. What would I do if the glasses didn't work? I pulled in, and went up to my floor. He was already there. On the phone. I waited until he got off and went up to him with some canned small talk

Me: "Hey man! Did you catch the game last night?"

Coworker: "What game?"

Me: "hahaha, you know! The football game. That was crazy when that guy tackled the other guy! OW! You know what I mean?"

Coworker: "yeah I guess..."

Sensing that I was losing him in this game of casual conversation I asked him if he'd like to see my new sunglasses. He said yes, and I chuckled to myself. I've got you now zombie coworker!

I slipped on the glasses, while doing the "Got You Now!" laugh. You know that one. It goes "ha HA!!", often followed by pointing. Except my laugh was cut short when the glasses went on. I nearly passed out with fright from what I saw. I bolted. I just took off running. I ran all the way home. I had to get out of there. I feel terrible. I didn't warn anyone. I don't know if they are alive or dead. I can't go back there. I took off my glasses, and developed the picture of what I saw. Then I smashed the glasses into small pieces and then burned them

This is what I developed:

Before glasses

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After glasses.

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Fuck that. We're doomed.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

My Coworker Is Turning Into A Zombie

Recently, one of my coworkers suffered a blow to the head when his garage door crashed down on top of him, knocking him unconscious and bleeding. After a trip to the hospital, and a day off from work he's back, but different..we think he's turning into a zombie. The only way to find out for sure? Monitor his behavior throught the day, searching for any zombie like actions...

Morning:

btmbrkt: hey richard's back! Have you noticed any differences in his behavior?
annaboc: his hat isn't on
annaboc: and he's dragging his left leg

btmbrkt: oh man, that's a sign. he's changed. please alert me to any raw meat eating, or smeagol like antics
annaboc: richard has pills. i think they are anti-zombie pills to make him appear normal.
annaboc: he also just said 'he feels out of it"

btmbrkt: hmm, i'm not entirely convinced.
btmbrkt: Keep an eye on him, and update me with any odd mannerisms or facial tics
btmbrkt: much like Blade, he can only take the pills for so long before the "hunger" is overwhelming

annaboc: lets test it by taking away his pills
btmbrkt: are we prepared for that? I mean, the results could be disasterous for the well being of our co workers
annaboc: we are not prepared
annaboc: you are right
annaboc: we need to prepare


btmbrkt: however it's a good idea, so we you know, can figure out what we're dealing with
annaboc: ok but maybe in a controlled environment
btmbrkt: as a test, ask him what his favorite color is
btmbrkt: if he says "Meatballs"
btmbrkt: somethings amiss

annaboc: he said RED
annaboc: close enough

btmbrkt: hmmm, red...yeah it is a close call. Perhaps he said red since it's the color of blood. Be careful.
annaboc: i know!
annaboc: richard called me mary earlier.
annaboc: something is definitely wrong


btmbrkt: oh no. He is turning into a zombie faster than I thought he would
annaboc: uh huh

After Lunch:

btmbrkt: I saw him walking before lunch, he does indeed walk with a sort of odd limp
annaboc: uh huh. and a slump
btmbrkt: weird. Ask him to say the word "Brains"
btmbrkt: if it's long and drawn out
btmbrkt: like
btmbrkt: "Braaaaiiinnnnnnssss"
btmbrkt: then we definately have a problem

annaboc: i will make him use it in a sentence

annaboc: i cant get him to say brain


btmbrkt: shit. he's good.

Late Afternoon:

(An old man just now, is walking toward Richard)
btmbrkt: oh listen to his interaction
btmbrkt: with that man
annaboc: hunger...pure hunger
btmbrkt: i don't know about this guy...he might be like an "elder zombie"
annaboc: of the octagenarian species
btmbrkt: yes, recruiting..

(I tried sneaking up on Richard while he was reading)
btmbrkt: he didn't get scared when I tried to startle him
annaboc: zombies are emotionless
btmbrkt: that's like, sign number 4 that he's "turning"
annaboc: how many signs are there again

annaboc: omg
annaboc: tomorrow i am gong to bring in my zombie survival book
annaboc: that the amazing zombie warlord MAX BROOKS wrote

btmbrkt: ok great idea. you should bring it in
btmbrkt: so far i think the major signs of zombie-fication
btmbrkt: are:

btmbrkt: Dead....but still alive. That's the main one.
btmbrkt: Eats Brains
annaboc: yes
annaboc: right
btmbrkt: Moans A Lot
annaboc: uh huh
annaboc: disorientation
btmbrkt: Yes!
btmbrkt: that's a big check for Richard

annaboc: wall climbing
btmbrkt: hunch backed snarling in cubicle corners
annaboc: yup

btmbrkt: I fear that tomorrow he will be in an advanced form of zombie-ness that we won't even recognize him

btmbrkt: I haven't seen Sam in a while....should we be worried?
annaboc: i think sam is dead
btmbrkt: not good.

Celeb Baby Adoption Craze! Now Madonna!

Adopting a fucking kid! From another country!

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/15130858/

Apparently all the orphaned children in America are worthless pieces of shit. People all over America are giving birth everyday to children they can't take care of. It's not like we've got some shortage of children, where people need to go out of the country to adopt.

Pretty soon, celebs aren't going to adopt puppies from boring old shelters in the states. A dog adopted in Los Angeles is bullshit compared to a dog adopted from Nairobi.

Shit, celebs should adopt a kid here in America, then give these douches a call

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For only twenty some dollars a month a celeb can support the kid above, so she can have three square meals a day, and as a bonus, receive all the religious propaganda that she can handle. Which can only better her as a person, by weeding out any "heathen like qualities" she must surely possess, being from an impoverished country and all. With her newly learned morals, she and her people will probably engage in less pre-marital intercourse, thus lessening the amount of children that need to be saved by celebs! Perfect!

So, not only will the generous celebrity be helping one child in America, they'll be helping one poor child in another country, and possibly children of future generations, for mere pennies! Celeb, you win! All the other celebrity adoptive mothers will shit with jealousy. You can look cute with your new/used child from America, and have a picture of whatever child in some poor ass country you send money too that satisfies your need for the ethnic flair you've been lacking in your life.

My advice is free. I should run an adoption agency. No kids with cleft palattes though. Celebs don't want that shit.

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