Monday, October 16, 2006

Coworker Zombie Update: Something Has Gone Terribly Wrong

Coworker Zombie Watch 2006 has been pretty quiet during the last couple of days. I was a little disturbed by the lack of concrete evidence that our coworker was indeed turning into a zombie.

In fact, he seemed to be recovering from his head injury quite well. He was almost back to normal. Almost. Something was still a bit off, I couldn't quite explain it. It was just a feeling I had. I was worried that things were still wrong, and that even though through outside appearance he was somewhat normal, deep down inside...changes were happening. Much like how, many alcoholics can function day to day at their jobs while dangerously inebriated, I kept thinking that maybe my coworker was doing the same, not with alcohol, but with decaying organ and brain tissue.

I had to do some thinking. I did some research over on this website:

and researched their many Zombie Detection Devices:

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I was intruiged but ultimately decided not to purchase the items because I wanted to detect zombie like activity without using things at emit loud alarms. Remember, this is in the workplace so disturbing alarms would only panic everyone in the office. Not to mention, it may send our rookie zombie into some sort of berserker zombie rage that no one could ever prepare for.

Left without options I decided to mull things over with a bottle of whiskey. Like usual, after downing about half the bottle I came up with a brilliant plan. I was reminded of a movie called "They Live", where Rowdy Roddy Piper joins up with some people that have made special glasses that allow wearers to see aliens that have disguised themselves as people to infiltrate our society.
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Could my coworker be doing the same thing? Was he really a zombie in "living person skin"? I had to explore further.

As I continued to drink the rest of the whiskey, I started designing my own pair of special sunglasses. I had some sunglasses nearby that I knew would work well, so I grabbed them, and set them on the counter before me. I took some tinfoil and wrapped them around the rim of the glasses so that the metal in the foil could "conduct things". I also added a camera to the glasses to make sure it recorded whatever I saw. Smart thinking I thought. The last step inolved microwaving everything together in the microwave. After that things got a bit fuzzy since by then I had drank myself into genious-osity.

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After passing out, I woke up and grabbed my state of the art Zombie Detection Glasses. Would they work? I hoped so. There was only one way to tell.

I drove into work the next morning a bundle of nervous energy. What would I do if the glasses didn't work? I pulled in, and went up to my floor. He was already there. On the phone. I waited until he got off and went up to him with some canned small talk

Me: "Hey man! Did you catch the game last night?"

Coworker: "What game?"

Me: "hahaha, you know! The football game. That was crazy when that guy tackled the other guy! OW! You know what I mean?"

Coworker: "yeah I guess..."

Sensing that I was losing him in this game of casual conversation I asked him if he'd like to see my new sunglasses. He said yes, and I chuckled to myself. I've got you now zombie coworker!

I slipped on the glasses, while doing the "Got You Now!" laugh. You know that one. It goes "ha HA!!", often followed by pointing. Except my laugh was cut short when the glasses went on. I nearly passed out with fright from what I saw. I bolted. I just took off running. I ran all the way home. I had to get out of there. I feel terrible. I didn't warn anyone. I don't know if they are alive or dead. I can't go back there. I took off my glasses, and developed the picture of what I saw. Then I smashed the glasses into small pieces and then burned them

This is what I developed:

Before glasses

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After glasses.

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Fuck that. We're doomed.

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