Thursday, November 30, 2006

Naked man rescued from alligator's jaws.,0,2905575.story?page=1&coll=orl-home-headlines.

This news article is infuriating. According to the article, a naked man was being eaten by an alligator, and was saved by sherrif deputies. How on earth did the man find himself being chewed to death by a modern day dinosaur you ask? Motherfucking drugs.

Regarding the man who heard the dying man's plea for help:
"As Osborne listened, he followed the pleading voice through more than 20 yards of weeds in Lake Parker's murky, chest-deep water about 4 a.m.Then he saw them: a naked man slumped over, caught in the jaws of a huge alligator amid thick cattails in bloodied water. He said the man, who had been using drugs and lost a lot of blood, seemed oddly calm."
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"I like it when the crack gets in my 'stache. It's like I'm saving some for later"

What's infuriating about this whole story is that they are going to kill the alligator.
"A trapper caught a nearly 12-foot, 600-pound alligator Wednesday afternoon that investigators think could have been the one involved in the attack because it was feeding near where Apgar was found, agency spokesman Gary Morse said. The animal was to be destroyed later."

What does this say about our country, when an alligator can't eat a dumb motherfucker, high out of his mind on drugs? Especially when this dumb motherfucker on crack, gets naked, then wanders into lake that's "known as a haven for the mammoth reptiles."

Sad state of affairs I say. We saved the retarded crackhead that walked nude into alligator infested water, and then kill the alligator that's just doing his alligator job. What's an alligator's job? Eating shit, when it's hungry. Food is food to a gator. It doesn't matter if the food is a deer, a cow, or a guy on crack.

It doesn't even sound like they're sure they caught the right alligator. Investigators only think they have the right one based on the fact that the alligator was feeding near the site where the attack occured. Fish and Game is always profiling the 'gators. Who will stand up for them? Steve Irwin is dead. PETA? Where the fuck are you? Too busy following celebrity starlets and monitoring their fashion? Here's an alligator on death row! You can do something about it!
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The article states that, Sherrif Grady Judd is "very proud" of his deputies and their rescue."

What's Judd going to say during the next morning's meeting?

Judd: "Good work deputies, that 'gator has been prowling the wetlands for years eating shit that enters his 'natural territory'. Glad we finally got him off the streets- er, ecosystem..whatever. It's men like you that allow people like Adrien Apgar to continue his wonderful life filled with gap toothed whores, and crack addled memories of street blowjobs and stabbings. I salute you"

Monday, November 27, 2006


I went home to the Bay Area over the Thanksgiving holiday, and on my flight back to Los Angeles, I flipped through the Skymall Catalog every plane offers to satisfy any mid flight urge to buy stupid shit.

Who buys this stuff? Who sits on a plane, and thinks to themselves, "FUCK! I must buy this now! This is what my cat has been dying to get, and would purchase if she only had access to a credit card and could get to the store"

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It's only 300 dollars. Now your cat can shit in the privacy of this dome, and not suffer any of the embarassing remarks cat usually get when seen crapping in a litter box.

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How about this thing?

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Sure, Skymall says it's an "attic tent", which is:

"The Attic Tent is a folding attic stair insulating cover that helps keep your house clean, healthy and cool. It prevents dust and insulation particles from leaking down - heat and air conditioning from escaping up. Made of durable nylon and foam, it provides easy zipper access and installs easily on any surface. Will reduce your power bills and improve HVAC efficiency to easily pay for itself in 1-3 years."

But really, when placed on any surface, this "attic tent" serves as a gateway to another dimension if the proper incantation is recited.Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Kids having too much fun with their new fangled video games? Buy them this old timey baseball pinball game.Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Grandpa can tell ancient stories of baseball lore, a time when men were men...and players were white. Get it now! Supplies limited! Batteries and fun not included.

I don't even know what to say about this, just that under no circumstances should one buy and wear these:

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These are just terrible. Is it really ever that cold in a house to warrant wearing these fuzzy body condoms? The first lady, the one making that wonderful popcorn thing is sitting by a fireplace in what seems like a cozy house. I bet the heater is on too. How cold can it be in there? Sweatpants are bad enough, this thing is like some sort of super sweat pant. Double minus points if worn with a pair of UGG boots.

Amongst all the crap Skymall offers, I will be buying this:

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From the website:
Hidden wireless GPS secretly tracks anything that moves - your car or your kid...or your kid in your car!

I can use this to track my favorite celebrity starlet. Who you ask? I'll give you a hint:

She has breasts.

I can't wait for it to be delivered.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Overheard On The Plane

Wannabe Actor Girl: I totally love Psychology.

USC Dude: Me too! I really like Psychology.

Wannabe Actor Girl: I know right?

USC Dude: It's totally cool. If I weren't majoring in Business, I'd totally be majoring in Psychology.

Wannabe Actor Girl: That's rad.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Baby Shits

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"Mommy's going to hang you up on this door so she can make poopy. Don't be scared. Look the other way dear. No. The other way honey. Not at me while I make poopy. No..stop. Over there. Look over don't cry. I'm almost done. Mommy shouldn't have eaten that burrito at lunch. Don't cry, we're almost done.."

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

A message to Riff Raff.

Stop peeing on my motorcycle!

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Cats. I hate them. My hatred burns for them with the intensity of ten suns. I didn't always hate cats. I had two of them while growing up, but the cats that live around my apartment...they're relentless. They pee on everything! Nothing is safe. My motorcycle is their new litter box of choice. The cats pee on the seat. The gas tank. Wherever. They just squat and spray away. It's getting really tiring to have to wash my motorcycle every time I want to ride. I have a cover for it. It's easy to put on, so I don't mind putting it on and taking it off every time, but it's getting really gross to see the amount of pee that's soaking into the cover. It's as if they hide in the bushes, bladders full, pee hole ready to aim a shower of urine over anything that comes nearby.

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The worst cat pee incident I've had occured when I went to pick up the bike cover off of the ground after having left it there for about an hour. I dutifully shook the cover to shake off all the dust and leaves, but didn't realize there was a large puddle of cat piss in the middle, resulting in a shower of cat piss all over my pants. It was at that moment, pants soaked, hands covered in smelly, sticky cat urine, that my hatred for these damned cats came to a boil.

I don't know what to do. My first plan is to start peeing in the area where I park. Since this is my first time marking my territory, I don't know what kind of pee I need to produce. Should I not drink anything for a while, so I get the really dark yellow pee? Or should I drink a lot of water? Would this be effective? How long will it last?

Should my pee not work, I'll need to get my hands on stronger cat pee. Like a lion's. I figure, since a lion is basically king of cats, regular cats wouldn't dare go near a lion's territory.

There has to be a product that features lion piss. So I searched the internet and found....

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SILENT ROAR! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Silent Roar goes one better than pee. It's poo!

"This is a genuinely natural product made from real essence of lion dung! That's right - the dung from real, live lions. The idea is that you fight fire with fire. You make one little cat back off because he or she gets a good idea that one great big predator cat has got to the patch first!"

Fight fire with fire! This is motherfucking lion shit man! All you other cats will shit in fear from this shit.

So this is a message to you Riff Raff and your stupid Catillac Cats. Back off!

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Live in fear you fucks... Mungo's strength can't save you now....

Also, Riff Raff, can you tell all your lady cats in heat to take their swollen glands elsewhere? Their constant moaning and wailing is getting tedious. Take care of your bitches Riff Raff.

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