Tuesday, November 07, 2006

A message to Riff Raff.

Stop peeing on my motorcycle!

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Cats. I hate them. My hatred burns for them with the intensity of ten suns. I didn't always hate cats. I had two of them while growing up, but the cats that live around my apartment...they're relentless. They pee on everything! Nothing is safe. My motorcycle is their new litter box of choice. The cats pee on the seat. The gas tank. Wherever. They just squat and spray away. It's getting really tiring to have to wash my motorcycle every time I want to ride. I have a cover for it. It's easy to put on, so I don't mind putting it on and taking it off every time, but it's getting really gross to see the amount of pee that's soaking into the cover. It's as if they hide in the bushes, bladders full, pee hole ready to aim a shower of urine over anything that comes nearby.

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The worst cat pee incident I've had occured when I went to pick up the bike cover off of the ground after having left it there for about an hour. I dutifully shook the cover to shake off all the dust and leaves, but didn't realize there was a large puddle of cat piss in the middle, resulting in a shower of cat piss all over my pants. It was at that moment, pants soaked, hands covered in smelly, sticky cat urine, that my hatred for these damned cats came to a boil.

I don't know what to do. My first plan is to start peeing in the area where I park. Since this is my first time marking my territory, I don't know what kind of pee I need to produce. Should I not drink anything for a while, so I get the really dark yellow pee? Or should I drink a lot of water? Would this be effective? How long will it last?

Should my pee not work, I'll need to get my hands on stronger cat pee. Like a lion's. I figure, since a lion is basically king of cats, regular cats wouldn't dare go near a lion's territory.

There has to be a product that features lion piss. So I searched the internet and found....

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SILENT ROAR! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Silent Roar goes one better than pee. It's poo!

"This is a genuinely natural product made from real essence of lion dung! That's right - the dung from real, live lions. The idea is that you fight fire with fire. You make one little cat back off because he or she gets a good idea that one great big predator cat has got to the patch first!"

Fight fire with fire! This is motherfucking lion shit man! All you other cats will shit in fear from this shit.

So this is a message to you Riff Raff and your stupid Catillac Cats. Back off!

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Live in fear you fucks... Mungo's strength can't save you now....

Also, Riff Raff, can you tell all your lady cats in heat to take their swollen glands elsewhere? Their constant moaning and wailing is getting tedious. Take care of your bitches Riff Raff.

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At least a bum didn't steal your bike cover. Lost, somewhere in San Francisco, is a barely used Honda motorcycle cover. They probably used it for a raincoat in the bad season, then when it was worn out: toilet paper. Motherfuck.
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