Wednesday, December 06, 2006

HI MY NAME IS ERIC YOU HAVE NICE HAIR!

In this day and age, people need to be aware of their surroundings. Men and women alike. Of course, women slightly more so than men I think. Yeah, that sucks for them, always having to be careful where they go at night, what they wear etc. but that's just common sense stuff that everyone should be wary of.

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Given all that, I understand that when it's late at night, women may have their guard up, especially when a man she doesn't know is walking behind them.

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I find myself in this situation a lot. Whether I'm leaving a bar, or a movie or whatever, more often than not, I always end up walking along a deserted poorly lit sidewalk with no one else around except a terrified woman walking in front of me.

It's awkward. I don't know what the proper thing to do in this situation would be.

Take last night for example, after I left a bar. Since my truck is large, I usually have to park far away, which means at least a five to ten minute walk. Of course last night, the sidewalk was dark, and no one was around...except for a woman in front of me.

After a couple of steps, the woman in front of me knew I was behind her. She tensed up. She doesn't know who I am. She started to walk faster, keys at the ready. I thought to myself: "Shit, she thinks I'm going to rape her." I can't have this woman think I'm a rapist. I had to do something to ease the tension.

I would have whistled some generic tune if I could. I've tried to whistle my whole life. I can't do it. Besides. Whistling may be an obvious cover. An obvious cover for a rapist. I can't do that. I can't act like a rapist who whistles as a cover.

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What if I crossed the street? No, that's the classic: "I'm gonna cross the street, to make you think I'm going somewhere else, but then I'm going to run around the corner and rape you" technique. I read the police bulletins in the local paper. I know what's up.

Meanwhile, as all these thoughts were running through my head. The woman up front was probably convinced that I was a rapist because I've been following her for the past three minutes, covering at least four blocks. Dammit where's my car? Shit!

Should I have blurted something out to ease the tension? "HI MY NAME IS ERIC, YOU HAVE NICE HAIR!", no by that time she'd be too scared to even register my compliment.

What if I shouted out some joke? "WHAT TIME IS IT WHEN AN ELEPHANT SITS ON YOUR WATCH? TIME TO GET A NEW WATCH. HAHHAHA". I'm undecided if I should laugh at my own joke. It would be best if she started laughing, but it's not a very good joke. I don't know any other ones either.

I tried different patterns of walking. If I synched my steps with hers, it sounded like "Clip, clip, clip, clip". I thought that was too suspicious, so I staggered my steps, but that sounded like "Clip, clonk, clip, clonk". By now she was sure that a peg legged rapist was following her.

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We got closer to our cars. I couldn't let the woman leave thinking that she almost got attacked. I'm a good guy dammit. She needed to know this.

"Shit, the car is coming up soon.", I thought to myself. In a last ditch effort to squash her fears, I took my phone out and made a fake call. I fake dialed:

"Beeboo baboo beep! ( One of my many fake phone dial noise), Yo Schmitties! What up!.... How was my day? Oh it was awesome. I volunteered all day. Yeah. Volunteered. At the cancer burn aids center. Yeah it was great. You know you really should volunteer like I volunteer. It's great to give some of your time to the less fortunate. These kids can't read because they're burned, and have cancer, and aids."

I checked to see if she could hear me. I hope she heard..

"All right Schmitty, I'll talk to you later. Call me if you want to volunteer tomorrow. I'll be there. Hey dude. I'm seriously thinking about adopting one of the kids....I'll talk to you about it later. Bye dude."

I don't think she heard me. Next time I'm just going to yell out "Hey! I'm not gonna rape you!", cut through all the riff raff and just let it be known, that this guy does not commit violent crimes against women.

Comments:
wow it seems like it's tough to be a man
 
oh i didn't know comments had to be approved. my bad.
 
hahaha
 
It's so much easier to just rape them.
 
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