Thursday, January 04, 2007

Rule #32423 Of Life: Never Call My Parents

When driving home from the Bay Area after having spent the Christmas holiday with my family, I realized that I had left my phone charger on the end table next to my parent's large television, and my shoes by the front door.

I should have just taken the loss and bought a new pair of shoes and a phone charger when I got back to Los Angeles, anything to avoid having to call my parent's for something like this, but against my better judgment and knowing full well what talking to my parents is like over the phone..

I dialed the number.

Where it rings for ages.

My dad finally picks up the phone, in mid conversation no less. In Chinese. All Chinese translations are italicized..

Dad: "...OK OK OK! I'm picking up the phone..OK! I've got it!"

Mom: (Overheard in the background yelling in Chinese) "The phone is ringing! Pick up the phone!"

Dad: "Hello? Hello!"

Me: "Dad!"

Dad: "Hello?!"

At this point I hear the sound of stomping, and I immediately know that it's my ninety eight pound mom running down the hallway where she picks up another phone, thinking that my dad never answered the phone originally. A gust of wind could probably blow my mom clear into the next county, the curlers in her hair creating some sort of powerful wind catcher. Yet when she stomps down the hall it sounds like a herd of elephants.

Mom: "Hello?"

Me: "ah crap, just...Mom, Dad answered the phone!"

Mom/Dad: "Hello?"

Me: "Mom, Dad's got it.."

Mom: "Hi Sweetie!"

Dad: "I picked up the phone! Hang up the phone!"

Mom: "Ok..ok..."

Me: Dad!

Dad: "Hi! Where are you?"

Me: "I'm on the freeway...hey can you check on something for me?"

Dad: "Which freeway? Are you almost home?"

Me: "I'm halfway home, but Dad..I left some things in the house, can you check to see if I did?"

Dad: "What?"

Me: "I think I left my shoes and my phone charger at the house, can you see if they're there?"

Dad: "What? Charger? What charger?

Me: "My phone charger, I left it in the-"

Dad cuts me off

Dad: "I'm in the computer room!"

Me: "I know, but can you see if I left my phone charger-"

Dad cuts me off again

Dad: "I don't see anything! Where did you leave it?"

Me: "Agh! Let me finish! I left it on the end table in the family room. Near the tv.. and I left my shoes by the front door.."

Dad: "I'm in the computer room!"

Me: "Not in the computer room! The family room! Can you please check if I left the phone charger in the family room?"

At this point, all I hear for the next minute is rustling. The rustling of papers, the rustling of what sounds like large objects..

Me: "Dad, did you see them?"

Dad: "I. ...Don't. ...See...Anything!"

Me: "ughh, where are you?"

Dad: "In the family room. I don't see your charger"

Me: "It's on the end table. It's probably still plugged into the wall"

Dad: "What table?"

Me: "The end table! By the tv, with the lamp on it!"

Dad: "I...don't....see....anything!"

More rustling....

My mom runs into the room. They bicker in Chinese for a bit. I hear her in the background saying she found my shoes. I breath a sigh of relief knowing that at least, my shoes were found and that I didn't have to try to describe where I left them. It would have been too much.

I then hear my dad yell at my mom

Dad: "Shoes? He's looking for his phone charger!"

My mom tries to pick up the phone...

Me: No! Dad! Don't let Mom on the phone!"

More rustling noises

Dad: "You don't have your shoes either? What are you wearing now?"

Me: "Dammit! I have shoes! I just left another pair at the house!"

Dad: "What about your phone charger?!"

Me: "I left that too!"

Dad: "How come you forgot all this stuff?"

Me: "I don't know! Did you find the charger?"

Dad: "I don't know, talk to your mom"

Me: "Dad! No! Don't put Mom on the phone!"

Mom: "Hi Sweetie! Where are you?"

A few days later, I received my shoes and phone charger in the mail.

Thanks Mom and Dad!


sounds like the makings of a short film to me...

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