Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I Think My Apartment Is Haunted

Some weird shit has been happening in my apartment lately. Doors open and close by themselves, strange noises are heard at random moments throught the day.

Perhaps the most disturbing thing has been the sound of footsteps coming down my hallway. My apartment has hardwood floors, and every other day or so, when I'm alone, I've been hearing someone walk across the floor, in what sounds like hard soled shoes. "Clump, Clump, Clump". It's a little unnerving.

My roommate has also heard these things as well. He told me that he had been noticing that the door to the hallway has been opening and closing by itself. One night he made sure to close the door firmly, to see if anything would happen. Later, he woke up in the middle of the night, and saw that the door to the hallway was wide open. I was out of town that night so it wasn't me that opened the door. I don't think he'd been sleepwalking either.

I live in an old building, that was built in the 1920's, so it is entirely possible that "ghosts" may be lurking. Are ghosts real? I personally don't have any strong feelings either way, but these odd events taking place in my apartment are hard to ignore.

If this ghost is real, then it is a third roommate, and would need to pay rent. It's only fair.

How much? I don't know yet, but its already going to get a pretty good deal since it won't be charged for utilities.

If you are a ghost, you don't need water and electricity, but you are living in my apartment, trying to scare me, so you are paying some of the rent. Fucker.

Right now the "haunting" has been pretty benign. I do have a plan however, should the ghost try to escalate things, and attempt to scare me in my own room a la The Grudge.

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If some creepy long haired ghost woman comes crawling into my room, I will immediately throw off my blankets and start masturbating furiously. I mean, full on, death grip try to start a fire with my penis, furious.

I believe this plan will be an effective counter strike towards the ghost's attempt at trying to scare me. In fact, if done right, masturbating furiously will freak out the ghost instead of me. It will be such a different reaction than what the ghost will be expecting, it will have no choice but to retreat and rethink things.

If the ghost stops, backs up a little and thinks to itself: "What the fuck? Did that guy just start masturbating?". The plan is working.

Any further attempts to scare me while I am masturbating will only make the situation even more awkward for the ghost.

"Gruuhhh (Grudge-like moaning).....shit man..that's just..Come on! You're gonna pull that thing off!"

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The image of me will be burned into the ghost's mind, haunting it forever. I win.

Eric, I can't believe I even need to remind you of the surefire way to shoo off a ghost: 3 words: Co. Co. Mo.
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