Friday, December 21, 2007

Hot Carl Coffee

So I'm in line at the coffee shop, the one that's frequented by everyone here at work; using my phone to look up the definition of "Hot Carl" on the internet.
A quick search on Urban Dictionary describes it as:

"The act of taking a shit on someone's face with Saran wrap over their face as to make you and/or your partner sexually aroused."

hahaha. People come up with some zany stuff. The "Hot Carl" is pretty gross on two parts. 1. Shit smells bad. 2. Saran wrap tastes bad.

Sure, we all assume shit tastes bad, but I haven't eaten shit so I can't accurately say if it tastes bad. I have eaten saran wrap by accident. A couple times, when excitedly eating a sandwich . That, I can say with confidence, does taste bad.

But, you like eating shit? Do it. I don't care. What I care more about, at this moment is why this line for coffee is taking so long.

"You guys are always checking your emails", I hear someone say. It's the guy behind the counter. "It's like you have Blackberries glued to your hands", he adds.

"I know", I say. "Work finds you wherever you go"

Emails? I don't get emails outside of work. I don't have a work issued Blackberry, thankfully.

I continue reading Urban Dictionary.

"Variations on the Hot Carl Include: 1st: You shit on your partners face.

2nd: You shit on your partners face who is sporting a piece of saran wrap over it.

3rd: You shit on to a glass table while your partner lays down underneath it.

All are varying degrees of hardcoreness!"

Damn, those are hardcore variations.

"I don't know if I'd like my work following me wherever I go", says the guy.

"A Sloppy Carlson occurs when the loaf is hot and runny (diarrhea) and forces a hole through the saran wrap, mmm."

Damn. Sloppy Carlson. That's crazy...yet intruiging..

"Yeah, it's rough sometimes", I say without looking up. "But you know. Work just.."

"A Hot-Carl in understandable terms is when you remove your phallus from your partner's warm rectal orifice and insert it into their mouth, thus giving them the distinct aftertaste of hot wet ass. This is also referred to as Ass to Mouth, Arse to Mouth, A2M, ATM. It is commonly misconcieved that a Hot-Carl involved some sort of rectal expulsion on or near a partners face, this, however, is incorrect."

Hmm..That changes things..Apparently there are two schools of thought regarding the "Hot Carl". This is interesting.

"Um, yeah, the emails. It sucks sometimes, but know. Productivity and all that..", I say as I search online for more answers.

"A Hot-Carl is when you are in a 69 position and you squeeze out a hot, spicy fart. Since the chick's nose is near your butthole, she gets the extra pleasure of whatever you had for dinner that night. Strictly a class move. It is also known as the Alabama Nose Warmer".

hahaha, Alabama Nose Warmer..but that doesn't help. Is a "Hot Carl" where you shit in someone's face or mouth? Or is it farting whilst, 69'ing? Ass to Mouth? Saran Wrap?

What is the definitive answer? I don't know. It's one of those great mysteries of the world. Where is the lost city of Atlantis? What happened to the Mayans? Do Aliens exist? What the fuck is a "Hot Carl"?

"Uh..sir? Your order?", asks the guy.

"Ah sorry, these emails..nonstop", I say. "Large regular coffee"

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Hallo! Please Pass To Steven Seagal

A letter came to us today, from (The?) Ukraine.

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Addressed to "The authors and producers of the feature film 'Half Past Dead'"

Within the letter contained an exciting proposal meant strictly for Steven Seagal. Enclosed in the envelope was another envelope with "Only personally to Steven Seagal" written on it.

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Unfortunately, Steven Seagal is unavailable at the moment, he's off filming a movie where he karate chops suckas in the face for disparaging sacred land.

I do not want to make an "Executive Decision", and render another person's dream as "Marked For Death", so I'll answer the man's proposal as if I were Mr. Seagal.

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"Hallo! Of course I know very good all can be thought about me and this letter, but I'd like to tell you something"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Yes, hallo! I do know very good what you think I think about you, and the letter, and I am excited to hear what you have to tell me"!

"First, some words about our school, it is one of the most ancient. Already, 5000 years ago (and even more) Dragon Clan was on the lands of the present Russia and some others."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket "Dragon Clan huh. From Russia..I know you guys. 5000 years ago, you raped the gypsies and disparaged their land! I've dealt with the likes of you. Have you seen my documentary On Deadly Ground? I saved the Eskimos from Michael Caine. I'm sorry, I'm being rude. Continue."

"It goes from the very sources of dragon history. Or, if to say a little more, it is namely the source of its pure history"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"You lost me..are we talking about real dragons? Your clan controls them? The fire breathing kind? Amazing. You have my attention Ukranian Dragon Man."

"Well, as you can guess, I could tell something about that and other topics."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Me too bub. I know a lot about a lot of shit. Like guitars, and Buddhism, and Tibet. I also know about things like energy drinks."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Get a load of that shit. It's a roundhouse kick to tiredness. One time, I was a cook on a Navy ship, and all these bad guys invaded. I took a sip of my energy drink and was all "Bam! Crack! Pow!" on their asses. Then I fucked a hot chick who came out of a cake."

"Really, I can offer a lot of interesting, uncommon, unknown on very many different points."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"You lost me again. Did I mention that my energy drink is the only "Asian Experience" energy drink? Drink it and POW! no, GOOONNNGGG!..whatever that gong sound is, and then BAM! You'll be tireless like the Asians. Anyway, tell me more about these dragons."

"So when you will want to know that and to work very good on the topics, write me"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Hold it there now, suckaface. You don't tell me what to do. If and when I want to work with you and your dragons, I'll let you know via letter..wait, sorry, that's what you meant..ok."

"Now please pass this letter to those, who will be interested at once. Though I'd advise you that too. Try better to answer now, so that not to lose time and possibilities. All the best!"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"What! Pass this letter to who? You don't come to Steven Seagal with business and then shop around! Who else have you been talking to Dragon man?"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Me! Keeyaaaaah!"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Van Damme!You sneaky Belgian. Where did you come from?"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"I've come to hear this Ukranian fellow speak of his dragons."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Van Damme, the Ukranian dragon man is mine! You're not screwing me out of another deal!"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Oh come on now Stevie, still mad about Double Impact? That movie was meant for me. I was "Twice The Van Damm-"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Twice The Van-Dammage", ughhhh, you know, I could have come up with a marketable name gimmick had I starred in Double Impact. "Onesies..twosies..threesies..Steve-sies.."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"hahahahahaha..."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"Fuck you Van Damme."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"hahaha, listen broseph, you need this Ukranian Dragon Man more than I do. You can have him..later ass."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket "God damn I hate that guy. Anyway, looks like we're all set, Ukranian Dragon Man. Once someone shows me where Ukrainia is on the map, I'll book a flight. In addition to all my expenses, you must provide me with a dojo, that will double as a practice space for my band. Also, mark my words Ukranian Dragon Man, if I get even the slightest feeling that you are using your Dragons to roust the gypsies from their rightful land, I will karate chop your face to the hinterland. Keeeyaaah!"

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