Friday, December 21, 2007

Hot Carl Coffee

So I'm in line at the coffee shop, the one that's frequented by everyone here at work; using my phone to look up the definition of "Hot Carl" on the internet.
A quick search on Urban Dictionary describes it as:

"The act of taking a shit on someone's face with Saran wrap over their face as to make you and/or your partner sexually aroused."

hahaha. People come up with some zany stuff. The "Hot Carl" is pretty gross on two parts. 1. Shit smells bad. 2. Saran wrap tastes bad.

Sure, we all assume shit tastes bad, but I haven't eaten shit so I can't accurately say if it tastes bad. I have eaten saran wrap by accident. A couple times, when excitedly eating a sandwich . That, I can say with confidence, does taste bad.

But, you like eating shit? Do it. I don't care. What I care more about, at this moment is why this line for coffee is taking so long.

"You guys are always checking your emails", I hear someone say. It's the guy behind the counter. "It's like you have Blackberries glued to your hands", he adds.

"I know", I say. "Work finds you wherever you go"

Emails? I don't get emails outside of work. I don't have a work issued Blackberry, thankfully.

I continue reading Urban Dictionary.

"Variations on the Hot Carl Include: 1st: You shit on your partners face.

2nd: You shit on your partners face who is sporting a piece of saran wrap over it.

3rd: You shit on to a glass table while your partner lays down underneath it.

All are varying degrees of hardcoreness!"

Damn, those are hardcore variations.

"I don't know if I'd like my work following me wherever I go", says the guy.

"A Sloppy Carlson occurs when the loaf is hot and runny (diarrhea) and forces a hole through the saran wrap, mmm."

Damn. Sloppy Carlson. That's crazy...yet intruiging..

"Yeah, it's rough sometimes", I say without looking up. "But you know. Work just.."

"A Hot-Carl in understandable terms is when you remove your phallus from your partner's warm rectal orifice and insert it into their mouth, thus giving them the distinct aftertaste of hot wet ass. This is also referred to as Ass to Mouth, Arse to Mouth, A2M, ATM. It is commonly misconcieved that a Hot-Carl involved some sort of rectal expulsion on or near a partners face, this, however, is incorrect."

Hmm..That changes things..Apparently there are two schools of thought regarding the "Hot Carl". This is interesting.

"Um, yeah, the emails. It sucks sometimes, but know. Productivity and all that..", I say as I search online for more answers.

"A Hot-Carl is when you are in a 69 position and you squeeze out a hot, spicy fart. Since the chick's nose is near your butthole, she gets the extra pleasure of whatever you had for dinner that night. Strictly a class move. It is also known as the Alabama Nose Warmer".

hahaha, Alabama Nose Warmer..but that doesn't help. Is a "Hot Carl" where you shit in someone's face or mouth? Or is it farting whilst, 69'ing? Ass to Mouth? Saran Wrap?

What is the definitive answer? I don't know. It's one of those great mysteries of the world. Where is the lost city of Atlantis? What happened to the Mayans? Do Aliens exist? What the fuck is a "Hot Carl"?

"Uh..sir? Your order?", asks the guy.

"Ah sorry, these emails..nonstop", I say. "Large regular coffee"

That is ghastly!
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